Valentine’s Day is a special milestone unlike any other time during earth’s never-ending struggle laps around the sun. Zoom in on this Google Earth, and take in the splendor of the curious human race. You will find each specimen is totally engrossed in
… ahhhh, a traditional makeout sesh
breeding! (in this economy?)
feeding on nutrient-deficient food while weeping…
or masturbating at a questionable frequency.
This day is, in fact, literally like any other day, to be honest. But the humans choose to celebrate, mourn, and make life, well, more difficult.
**Morgan Freeman’s voice**
Perhaps you have been staring into the void lately.
Perhaps you have run out of interesting things to shove up your bodily voids.
But have you considered GENDER ROLE-PLAY for this Valentine’s Day?
Sure, society’s cringiest binary norms may make your typically outgoing butthole clam up like a shy hedgehog, but please hear out the case for GENDER FREAKING ROLE PLAY!
This Makeup Will Make Your Wig Fly Off
There are levels of sissification, but a full beat on a masculine-presenting partner’s face serves more than just a killer new lewk. This activity brings out one’s Picasso-like talent and covers up the other’s major physical flaws that only bae has learned to love. Admire the newly altered face of your mans—the one you didn’t think could get any hotter just did! You may feel the urge to ruin somebody else’s mascara instead of your own for once.
Tip: Hairy legs in fishnet stockings are surprisingly stimulating and highly recommended.
Who’s Calling Who Daddy Now?
To dominate, or be dominated: that is the 21st century question. Whether tis hotter in bed to take the thrusts and thumps of a generous top, or to bull ride a bottom.
Perhaps you are the one always getting pounded into oblivion—but not this Valentines Day.
Try giving your date the gift of how THEY usually give it to you.
Besides… did you know that tops get, like, tired??? No? Oh ok…
Tip: Flying solo? Make love to yourself with a Clone-A-Willy or Clone-A-Pussy Plus+ Sleeve Kit — you can duplicate your penis or vulva (or someone else's and tell them to go "fuck them selves").
You Know You Had to Do it to ‘Em
In a time when woke public discourse is toying with the idea of trashing gender roles entirely, do just this: recycle stereotypes of the sexes into bedroom performance art.
We are expressing olde arse gender clichés to GET A NUT instead of getting LABELED.
Twerk, eat hot chip, and lie in an oppressive cultist floor-length skirt.
Be an ironically terrible lover and end a two-minute session as soon as you bust your nut. Then ask, “Did you cum?”
Tip: Just lay there—this simple act is relevant to almost any scenario but makes a major statement.
If anything, give gender role-playing a chance this Valentine’s Day to be vulnerable with your lover.
We out here.
And we always searching for meaning in this very horny existence.
Have a blessed nut.