I get asked very frequently about low libido and lack of sex drive. There are quite a few reasons you may not be feeling it, and in this article I’m going to get into a couple of the most common ones I’ve been asked about and experienced. Please keep in mind that I’m not a medical professional. This is purely from my own experience, which is also from the mind and view of being a woman. If some of my some of my tips aren’t quite matching up with your identity, please check out some of the links below for other information.
I’ve come across low sex drive personally when dealing with stress, sexual well being and post pregnancy.
Stress- We all experience it in different ways. Whether it's a big trauma or just day to day small things. Stress complies and sometimes can throw our sexual being way off track. It really matters how you’re feeling when determining whether or not you’re going to have sex. Some simple solutions or tasks that can lead to more interest. Check in with yourself and with your body and times of low sexual drive and see what’s going on around you . Where is the stress stemming from? Have you checked in with your emotions? have you checked in with your partner? Negative energy doesn’t honor the experience that you’re currently in.
If you’re having a lot of stress, it’s really important to take time for yourself. You can do this in a sexual way by masturbation, self exploration, or talking with your partner about some sexual desires or fantasies. Activity level lives hand in hand with stress and release. Make sure that your version of active matches your ability and serves your mind in a way that gives you space to breathe. Finding center prior to engaging sexually can add a lot of awareness to the activity.
For some people this may mean medication, a blunt, good ass food, or just something that makes you feel damn good. For me this looks like making sure I am active sexually (a regular booty call with crazy head game), swimming, writing, and spending time outside. That care and effort you put into yourself will translate as more mind space to think about pleasure. More time to spend on orgasming!
If you need an extra push, this is a great article about the stress relieving benefits of pleasure: https://www.bustle.com/articles/90722-can-orgasms-reduce-stress-why-climaxing-is-a-powerful-stress-reliever-according-to-science
Sexual Well Being- Let’s talk about general sexual health. It is so important that everything is in balance, making sure you’re getting STD check on a regular basis is very important to your sexual health and well-being not just for keeping yourself safe but for partners safety. In addition to this making sure that things taste, smell and feel normal in your nether parts helps your own self confidence when you’re going into the bedroom. This adds to the experience overall experience. Having confidence allows us to try new things in bed, explore more freely and feel okay to just be with ourselves in the moment.
If you are unable to go into a clinic, Planned Parenthood, or other medical facility, there are at home tests you can take for STD testing. One I’ve used is https://www.everlywell.com/ but there are a ton of options.
Post pregnancy- Your body changes, the way you receive and think about sex changes, and the way your partner to views your body after having a baby also changes. Understanding that these changes are met with embrace and support is so important. Take time to talk about these things with your partner so you can begin to learn how to please your new beautiful body.
Having an abortion is my experience so I’m limited around what it feels like to not be sexual post pregnancy...I just have had a different level of hormones in my body. That being said for myself there was a lot of awareness that needed to be put into what I had just went through, focusing on myself first was more important for me in order to feel sexual and feel beautiful in my body again.
I think when you have carried a pregnancy to full-term it’s really important to check in with your new body. Your body is now producing alternative functions to care for this new child and take care of you. It’s likely that these changes have been overlooked due to new responsibilities. Just checking in with your new body here in our mother there’s something to be where should and also have your partner recognize the changes in your body if you’re single mother this can be a harder task to have somebody explicitly point out things that have changed and show appreciation for them. Ultimately you have to do the work with this self validation...that can be hard but be patient with yourself. Go to a mirror, take time to touch your body nonsexually just to identify what your body is all about! From there also recognize that vaginally you probably have just gone through a lot. Give yourself time to heal and give yourself time to re-strengthen the muscles that are in your vagina. Use your hands as a tool to explore new feelings when you orgasm. This may look a lot differently after baby. You're probably getting less sleep, possibly feeling a touch of postpartum blues caused by hormonal fluctuations, and grappling with a very different body image post pregnancy. The key here is patience!
Breastfeeding can play a significant role in diminished sexual interest as well. Estrogen is an important hormone that decreases with breastfeeding and this can affect your vaginal tissues. The most common vaginal side effects of decreased estrogen are dryness and a "pins and needles" feeling during intercourse. Understandably, this has a negative effect on your mood. Make sure to add lube into your play time!
Ultimately the goal is pleasure, joy and release. You’re not forcing yourself to have sex, it’s not something that feels heavy on you but more of an extension of an expression of love in the for, of pleasure. A sacred space that you get to share with another person, multiple people or yourself. Have sex in a healthy environment where there’s a good amount of communication before and then after. This DOES NOT need to be therapy talk...remember we can speak in a simple way that expresses our feelings of those moments. How great did that feel? What do you want more of? What was sexy? This leaves an open space to explore.
If I didn't touch on a burning question, reach out to me! I am available for private consults, tips and tricks...