Once a year, there comes a time that befalls us all: a time that some smug, half-naked toddler comes flying out of the woodwork. He dips wobbly heart-shaped arrows into a gassy potion mixed with blind consumerism and dreadful duty. With soft, chubby cherub arms, he raises his less-than-mighty toy bow and somehow pierces the masses-- all are victims, young and old. They are struck! They are stunned, instantly stunned, by Cupid’s ancient poison. Cupid chuckles-- no, Cupid gurgles with spit coming up-- at these poor befuddled fools who begin making reservations at the Cheesecake Factory. In droves, they march in and out of Things Remembered and Yankee Candle, seeking wares of pink and red. They do as commanded by an invisible leathery hand (it belongs to the ghost of some old dude who died freakin’ rich and is still raking it in). Like boxes falling off an Amazon shipping center conveyor belt, they are an incessant force that plucks every last single rose of insincerity from gas stations across the valleys and the lands.

It is in this moment that we know all too well: VALENTINE’S DAY IS UPON US.

cue sobbing soundbite from the Black Plague

The supreme beings of moral messaging emerge, as they always do, to advise the little people in their peril. The little people are weary with the bitterness of being alone or crushed with the ugly quest to actually get a reservation at the Cheesecake Factory.

From one mountain, the spritely scholars cry out, “Embrace ye solitude! You fools! Who doth celebrate true love with such lowly rituals!? Fight the man, man! It’s all a Hallmark capitalist conspiracy, dude!”

From the other mountain, the leathery wise men rise up and speak with swift, booming voices, “Make your special someone feel special today! Diamonds Direct! Capture their heart with a last minute deal! Diamonds Direct! Now is your chance to show your love with Diamonds Direct! Don’t wait, limited ‘Heart of the Ocean’ pieces available now through February 14th.”

The little people are feeble, for they have been torn between these two forces in ages before. Each time their rubbish-filled planet makes one full circle around their former sun-god, in fact, the little people crumble beneath the burden of choice, befuddled and stunned by the weight of their free will.

But WAKE UP, little people, ‘cause the year is 2019 and ye shall be set FREE. YES, it may be true that Valentines Day looms in the future. Be NOT paralyzed with sadness nor obligation, for what we have is the answer to this old, raggedy dilemma, and it shall plague us no more! We have have settled it , and what follows below is the ONE TRUE VALENTINE’S RULE, the ONLY one you need this year and for years to come:

Do something totally desperate.

In any capacity, small or grand, make a gesture of appreciation for the one you love, your crush, your side chick, your baby momma, your baby daddy, or your IRL actual momma! Do it for the ex you never got over or for your recently divorced and alone best friend forever! Shoot your shot with no shame and no game! Valentine’s Day has us all totally engrossed with the love we have, already lost, or will never get-- so why not surrender to the thorst and pay it forward?

Perhaps you come from a faraway land or reside beneath an energy-efficient rock where the traditions of this cheesy holiday do not apply.

Perhaps you are a monk-like creature who has transcended all humanly desires and can die in peace, alone, on a trashed beach while plastic-filled ocean waves lap at the stiff bodily vessel in which your heady spirit was trapped.

Perhaps you have developed a method of siphoning self-esteem from a lump of coal and have no business reading a Valentine’s guide of any kind.

But the rest of us live in an age of collective suffering, grubbing for any kind of validation that our existence is somehow meaningful or that our weird varying skin sacks appear tantalizing and attractive to the others. I feel it; do you feel it? This Valentine’s Day, do something about it for someone else. Throw your whole ego away for a day to make someone you fancy feel desirable, in the most extra way possible. Forget any rules about loving yourself first or being a catch (much less well-adjusted and sane), and just do something totally desperate.

If your imagination is failing you thus far and you need some ideas, here are a few promising methods to go the extra distance in 2019:

1. Imitation is the greatest flattery

Get into costume, makeup, and character as eerily similar to your victim of lovin’ care. Think about the lofty aspirations of your person-- is it to take their floundering YouTube channel to PewDiePie famosity? Is it to finally get that shift manager position at the bar and grille of their employment for the past decade? Perfect your imitation with their goals in mind and present yourself to the real life version on Valentine’s Day. Mimic their every word and action for a while. Maybe offer them a glimpse at your knockoff YouTube channel you created. The best case scenario will be something along the lines of when Jenna Maroney from 30 Rock marries her own impersonator.

    The worst case scenario is that your grand gesture of flattery will be misinterpreted and a restraining order will ensue. All in the name of love!

2. Surprise them during their date

If your target of lovin’ care already has a date-- have no fear, for great advice is right here. You know what’s better than having one date? Surprise! Having two dates! Fantasize now how both dates may even joust for your hand in that antiquated “marriage” thing. Delicious.

Make your entrance noticeable: pop up at the candle-lit table or behind the steamy hot tub. You aren’t there to soil the mood or split the food, so DO be in a hurry to establish your pure intentions before the authorities are called. Get a feel for what’s stewing. Maybe that other date is no good for your loved one, and you are saving the night. How fun a good deed can be!

Whether you are risking it all for the one that got away or for your mother, show up at their prearranged Valentine’s function with a monologue of passionate devotion. We are certain that everyone loves personalization (just look at the line at Things Remembered) and poetry. Belt out that monologue from beginning to end.

3. Get rejected like a royal

In cases of grandeur, romance, and selfless care for others, rejection is an artform that only the highest modern castes of class and etiquette can handle. Whether you max out your credit card to fill an underground pool with several hundred thousand chicken nuggets for your McHusband, or you hand deliver a billowing dildo arrangement across ten city blocks to that special someone at work, there is always the possibility that your brilliant idea gets shot TF down.

First of all, giving somebody the authority to reject you in the first place is a gift itself, but only if you abide by their naysaying with absolute respectful cooperation and NO creepy or annoying negotiations. Throw out the “are you sure you don’t want to run away to a third world country with me and leave your family behind” stuff, or the whining about being “a nice person so why don’t you lay down by the fire with me”.

Be royally courteous, but not like the royalty that would have had their head chopped off (that’s not what we are talking about here). In today’s high tea manners, we don’t barter with the queen of our hearts.

4. Take a bath alone.

That’s it. Just take a bath, and shoot your shot by thinking about the one you love. Or not. You really don’t have to do anything if you hate everyone. Even if you hate yourself, you can stew in your hate with a nice bath.

So, go forth this Valentine’s Day 2019, unabashed and without shame. Reclaim this remarkable occasion from the lowest common denominator messaging coming out the telly, and show desire for someone else the way we so desperately want to be desired ourselves. Make it yours by raising the bar of desperation and set. the. people. free.