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    Inside the Empire: Meet Our Graphic Designer!

    What is your name?
    My grandmother likes to Google too much for you to know.
    What city were you born in?
    Santa Monica, California
    How long have you lived in Portland?
    1 year
    How long have you worked at Empire Labs (Clone-A-Willy)?
    Not sure...
    Have you ever cloned your willy and/or other body parts?
    Who would play you in a movie?
    Anyone in Caddy Shack
    If you had to sing karaoke, what would your go-to song be?
    When you're not working at Empire, what are you doing?
    Drinking cocktails at the top of the Big Pink. Or at Oaks Park.
    What is your biggest pet peeve?
    Bad smells
    Cats or dogs?
    Burrito or burger?
    Tator tots
    Ocean or mountains?
    Pepsi or coke?
    Britney or Christina?
    Can you play an instrument?
    Pan flute 
    Do you speak any other language?
    The Language of Love. 
    If you could be the opposite sex for one day, what would you do?
    NO! Whatever I don't know about them I want to keep a mystery. 
    If you could mold any part of your body, what would it be?
    I would mold my neck and the back of my head so I'd have a mold I could rest my head on. 
    What would you want your last words to be before you leave this earth?
    I see the light! 
    Is there anything else we should know about you?
    Glow in the Dark is my favorite Clone-A-Willy!

    Dear Clone-A-Willy: The Overly Friendly Ass-Stuffer


    As you might expect, we get our share of strange and humorous emails at Clone-A-Willy. Here's a real email we received and some thoughts on it.


    I'm looking to purchase bulk amounts so I can give one to each of my friends. Are there any discounts? I really want all my friends to feel my dick inside their ass, but I just can't afford it. Thanks in advance!




    Aren't friends the greatest? Think about it. In the short span of about 80 years we get to make real, valuable connections with other people and we almost always find them more interesting than we find ourselves. You are very special to a group of people you find special and you're all just trying to have fun and make sense of the wonder and confusion around us. It's so beautiful you could almost cry. 
    Then, one seemingly average holiday party at your friend Brenda's house, Russ shows up with several identically-shaped, gift-wrapped boxes and a grin you had to drink 6 shots of Jaegermeister to dull the memory of.
    So, yes. Should it be your wont, it is possible to "mass-produce" copies of your penis for friends with the Clone-A-Willy kit. Here are a few tips:
    1. HAVE A FRIEND HELP WITH THE MOLD! Since we're talking about friendship, it's worth mentioning that the molding process can be tricky and having a pal mix the molding powder and water while you focus on your erection makes it much easier. You might want it to be a surprise for everyone, but at least let one, special buddy in on the joke. This will also have the added effect of helping you see who your true friends really are. If your buddy Charlie thinks he's too good to help mix water with the Clone-A-Willy molding powder for 60 seconds while you jack off then he's not a real friend. STOP STARING AT ME! might become a new in-joke for the two of you. Or it could become a trauma trigger. Either way, you'll be closer for it.
    2. MAKE MULTIPLE MOLDS! If you have a bunch of friends and you really want all of them to feel your dick inside their ass, (over 10 would probably qualify as "a bunch" of friends to whom you give exact replicas of your erect penis and I think over 12 would qualify as too many, but who am I to judge), you'll speed up production by having three or four molds available to fill with the Clone-A-Willy silicone. Use the first finished Clone-A-Willy dildo to make the extra molds instead of your actual penis. It's easier than calling Charlie for help with the molding powder and getting an erection every time. You can make the rest of the molds and dildos by yourself. There's no need for friends at this point. You're all alone now. Just you and several molds of your penis. If you're only trying to make 3-4 clones, you know, for the REALLY good friends, you can just reuse the mold you and Charlie made together. 
    3. KEEP THE MOLD WET! The Clone-A-Willy molding material is a strange and mysterious substance. Okay, not really. It's alginate, which is a seaweed based molding compound. Dentists use it to cast teeth, artists use it to create lifelike sculptures and you're going to use it to make several copies of your hard Willy as gifts for your unsuspecting friends. It captures an amazing level of detail and remains flexible once it sets, but it requires water saturation to maintain its shape. If the mold sits empty for more than a few hours it will start to shrink which is the exact opposite of what you want when copying your penis for your buddies. Either keep production going by keeping the mold filled with curing silicone or top it off with water when not in use. If you're gentle with it and keep it wet, you can expect the mold to last about one week.   

    If you're like Russ, and want all of your friends to feel your dick inside their asses AND you have enough friends that you think you might qualify for a bulk discount, we're here to help.

    Seriously, enter the following Clone-A-Willy coupon code during checkout and it will get you 10% off your next order over $100.

    CODE: To All My Friends

    It might not be much, but it should leave enough money in your account to help you buy a round of drinks for your friends. They'll likely need it.



    Holler if you have questions. We're always happy to help.


    Halloween Week(end) in the City of Roses

    Halloween is rapidly approaching, and if you're a proper Portlandian, you started creating your costume the day after you recovered from your Halloween-hangover last year. Portlanders are crazy for zombies, dressing up, and drinking; so bring your a game and join one of these ghoulish events.
    Thrill the World Dance – October 25th
    3pm @ Irvington Park
    Imagine a couple hundred zombies creeping into your local park. Add the moves of Thriller and the pipes of Michael Jackson and you’ve got “Thrill the World Dance” where you can put those Thriller moves you practiced for so many years in your bedroom to work. Join the practices on Friday and Sunday until the big event if you wanna freshen up your steps, or, observe from afar; like behind the locked door of your car in the parking lot, afar.
    Zombie Walk – October 25th
    4pm route begins @ Hollywood Vintage
    After you get all that dancing out of you, get your real zombie on during the Zombie Walk. People go all out in costume and make-up and you get to walk, crawl, and drag your way through the streets of Portland…AS A ZOMBIE. Seriously, start your Halloween week off properly.
    Doll Asylum – October 25-26, 31 & November 1st
    5-9pm @ The Doll Asylum
    As you enter the ‘asylum’ thousands of big, round, childlike eyes (if they’re not missing from their head) stare through you. Even though there are moments of cheesiness, it’s creepy and nostalgic. The graveyard and warehouse are where it starts to get gruesome with dolls on pikes and intestines spilling from their stomachs. Children are welcome if an adult is present—there will be trick-or-treat candy being passed out—or if you want to donate a doll, that’s cool too.
    BloodyVox: Nightmare on Northrup – October 25, 30-31 & November 1st
    7pm and 9pm @ BodyVox Dance Center
    Before you head out to party, support your local dance company for an amazing dance-theater performance that brings their favorite holiday to life. This year they’ll feature new performances, as well as cycle through a few old favorites. Bring a buddy to hold tight and wait for the wickedness to ensue.
    80s Video Dance Attack Portland Halloween Party – October 31st
    8pm @ Crystal Ballroom and Lola’s Room
    For an epic night of dancing, head to McMenamin’s Crystal Ballroom and Lola’s Room for two floors of blaring 80s beats, Halloween themed videos, and a night full of surprises. Costumes and dancing encouraged. Buy tickets ahead of time since it will probably sell out, though if you want to live on the edge, you can buy them at the door.
    Heaven and Hell Halloween Party – October 31st
    7pm @ Eastburn
    Not fans of huge crowds but still want to get out and dance? Head to Eastburn’s 7th annual Halloween party. There will be a $500 costume contest, music by Outta Limits and DJ Blas, and they have a bar on each floor so, hopefully, you don't have to wait in line for hours.
    Kruger Farms 2014 Cabaret Maze – October 25, 31 & November 1st
    6:30pm @ Kruger Farm, Sauvie’s Island
    Interested in more of a family affair? Walk the magician-themed corn maze, designed by local artist Peter Rockwell, and discovere adventure at every turn: fire dancers, hoola-hoopers, outdoor movies, and live music. End the night at Circus Tent for a full on, kid-friendly party. (They say the maze is recommended for kids 5 years+)
    Erotic Ball Halloween Party & Costume Contest – November 1st
    8pm @ Crystal Ballroom
    Looking to get your sexy on? Portland’s 15th annual Erotica Ball will be just the right amount of naughty to continue your Halloween weekend. Hosted by Emmy-nominee Sasha Scarlett, there will be plenty of skin and misbehaving to go around. Three floors of DJs, burlesque dancers, fetish demos, and four headliners to play make this one of the biggest, sexiest nights in Portland. It also has on of the largest costume contests in the city: $5000 in cash and prizes are given out to the Most Original, Best Group, and Sexiest Couple Costume.
    Transylvanian Voodoo Ball
    8pm @ Star Theater
    This 8th Annual Day of the Dead bash will haunt your night with musical performances by Vagabond Opera, Chernova, and Lesley Kernochan. Don’t miss the belly dancing, wandering performers, interactive installation, fortune telling table, and costume contest with prizes. Spice up your night and raise the dead!
    Zombie Sundays – Every Sunday until November 30th
    9pm @ Eastburn
    Don’t worry; we're taking care of your undead hangover too! Hit up Eastburn (again!) for their happy hour with food specials and some hair-of-the-dog, and then stick around for a viewing of a certain popular zombie television show.

    A Guide to Portland’s Naughtiest Spots

    With the exponential rise in Portland’s popularity, hundreds of guides have been written to cover the trendiest and tastiest places in the city. Known for our array of strange businesses and quirky citizens, there is plenty to see and fun to be had, so Clone-A-Willy jumped on the bandwagon and put together our own, naughtier guide to Portland.
    Experience: Strip Clubs
    Yes, we boast the most strip clubs per capita. Yes, the dancers get fully nude. And yes, they serve local booze in classic Portland fashion. Many Portlanders have differing opinions (quite strong ones, at that) on the best dancers, the best music, the best steak, and the overall best joint. We don’t think you’ll be disappointed wherever you go, but we're going to highlight four:
    • Sassy’s The dancers are great. The music is fun. The drinks are cheap. The patio is decent. It’s centrally located. It’s always a party. It’s the best. Just go. 
    • Casa Diablo It’s a vegan club—seriously! Even the clothes the dancers take off can’t be made from animals. It gets crazy. Really crazy. I’ve seen women from the audience get their shirts taken off and sexual activities go down on stage. It’s a bit out of the way in terms of location, but it’s worth a visit. Take a cab. 
    • Devil’s Point This club has Stripparaoke! You sing karaoke and the fine ladies dance to you, on you, around you. See you on Sunday.
    • Silverado It’s one of the few all-nude male strip clubs in the entire country, enough said! 
    Don’t hate me. These doughnuteers are in every guide to Portland and I vowed to never include them in one, but what screams 'sexy' more than a doughnut in the shape of a penis? OK...lot’s of things, but come on! They have a penis-shaped doughnut! CREAM FILLED! It’s called the “Cock’N’Balls.” Go to the southeast location; it’s not as busy.
    Corruption, sex, crimes, gambling, and crimping—Portland has a dark history. Take this tour through the Shanghai tunnels and other newly added locations to learn more about our sinful past.
    Participate: Rocky Horror Picture Show @ Clinton St. Theater
    The Clinton Street Cabaret hosts an interactive showing of the cult classic. Throw rice, toss rolls of Scott toilet paper, and light up the theater with flashlights. No nudity allowed, but there’s plenty of profanity and risky business to boot!
    Explore: Club Sesso
    The infamous Ron Jeremy opened this upscale swingers nightclub to our city in 2009. The club requires a membership, but allow entrance to the public for a hefty cover with strict rules. The people who attend are actually interested in a sexually diverse experience so don’t go to be creepy. And in case you forget, there are signs reminding you not to be creepy.
    Shop: Adults Only
    There are a plethora of sex toy stores spattered around the Portland-Metro area, but few have the curation and reputation of these two:
    • She Bop Welcoming all genders and sexual orientations, this sex toy boutique promotes body safe toys and has a steady stream of educational workshops. It’s a very comfortable place for curious beginners and avid explorers alike. Plus, they sell Clone-A-Willy, so what’s not to love?!
    • Spartacus From outfits and toys to leather and porn, the curated collection of goodies can make your fantasy a reality. They have something for everyone, but definitely stays in our mind as the go-to store for those into S&M, fetishes and leather.
    Special Events:
    If you’re lucky enough to be in the City of Roses during these times, check out the following events:
    • Kink Fest An educational kink, BDSM and fetish conference.
    • Naked Bike Ride Highlights our dependence on oil and the vulnerability of cyclists.
    • Pride Northwest Celebrates and emboldens the positive diversity of our city and its people.


    What else should we be experiencing? Leave a comment!