Illustrated GIF by Emilia Schettino

Let’s get real: relationships are rarely picture-perfect, especially when it comes to intimacy. Maybe you’re into slow dances, but your partner loves dancing solo to techno. Perhaps they want to explore kink, while you’re still figuring out what feels comfortable. None of these are problems, trust us when we say these are all opportunities.

Differences in desires are part of the human experience, and managing them can actually bring you closer if approached with curiosity and care. Here’s how to keep the vibe playful, honest, and connected, no matter what your romantic situation is.

Start small 

What turns you on? What turns them on? These questions are simple enough but rarely asked without assumptions creeping in. Make it low-pressure:

• Try this: Pull out a notebook or your phone and write down fantasies, preferences, or ideas. Exchange lists over drinks or snacks to keep things light hearted.

• Even better: Use a “yes, no, maybe” template to sort out what’s on the table, what’s a hard no, and what’s open for negotiation. You might even find templates online that might work out for you!

We promise this isn’t a homework assignment! It’s also important to let yourself laugh through awkward moments.

Explore common ground

Sexual compatibility isn’t about syncing up perfectly. It’s about finding harmony! If your preferences don’t align 100%, zoom out:

• What makes you feel close outside of sex? Is it touch, compliments, shared laughter, or quiet mornings in bed?

• Can you layer that connection into intimacy?

Think of it as blending different music genres. We all know the potential even country and hip-hop can create. 

Play around 

What if you turned these conversations into an “intimacy experiment night” that’s less about outcomes and more about discovery?

• Take turns picking activities: one of you might choose a massage, while the other suggests a new toy for example.

• Introduce a playful rule, like setting a timer so you both try something new for just 5 minutes.

There’s no finish line here! It’s about enjoying the experience.

When in doubt, call in the experts

If things feel strange, awkward, sticky, etc - lean on expert-backed resources. Books like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski break down how desire works differently for everyone. Or listen to podcasts like Where Should We Begin with Esther Perel or Sex With Emily for relatable advice.

Couples therapy can also be a game-changer. Working with a sex-positive professional gives you both space to unpack fears, explore boundaries, and communicate better.

Consistently check In

Navigating mixed preferences isn’t just about what your partner wants! You both need to feel safe and seen. After trying something new, ask:

• Did it feel good, or a little off?

• Do you want to try it again or tweak things?

Keep checking in, not just with each other but also with yourself. Intimacy is as much about honoring your needs as it is about meeting theirs.

Ready to Dive Deeper?

Here are some starting points:

• Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

• The Gottman Institute’s tips for couples

• Consent-based intimacy tools

What’s one thing you’re curious to explore this week? Start there. Relationships thrive on communication, creativity, and a little bit of courage. 

If you’re curious about ways to add a little extra spice, why not check out Clone-A-Willy’s Instagram? It’s full of playful ideas to make your nights even more creative.