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Have you ever quickly searched up “how to make things spicy again” with your long-time lover? Do you need a super-charge of inspiration? We’re here for you 🫶

Sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski offers a quiet but radical reframe: in long-term relationships, pleasure matters more than frequency, and responsive desire (wanting sex once you’re already being touched, held, turned on) is not a flaw. This is how desire often works when life feels incredibly busy. Couples who stay sexually connected aren’t the ones who go every weekend to the kinkiest events; they’re the ones who treat sex as a shared practice rooted in friendship, trust, and intentional prioritizing!

1. Ask yourself (and your partner) what’s missing

Before you add anything new, get curious about what was working before yet doesn’t show up as often in your lives. Openly have this same conversation with your partner. 

Try questions like:

• When I imagine “more sex,” what am I craving? (novelty? more touch? more flirtation and anticipation? more emotional closeness?)

• What feels easy right now? What feels hard?

• What kind of sex do I like when it happens?

Then put together a kind of sex bucket list. We will be the first to admit that this sounds kind of weird, so we’ll call it something else. 

2. Build your “Play & Pleasure Menu”

Reflect on what you both have never tried before and would enthusiastically consent to exploring. Reading solid guides and learning from experienced communities helps especially with new kinds of play, BDSM, or kink. 

Think about and talk about:

• What have we never tried but are genuinely curious about?

• What feels playful vs. what’s performative?

• Where do we draw the line?

Speedy ways to spice things up:

• Try new experiences: new positions, toys (like our DIY Kits), games, or locations

• Experiment with mood: sensual playlists, candles, new scents, dim lighting, or a “no phones” zone

• Change the setting: intimacy in brand new locations has worked for many couples (it can be as elevated as hotels / weekend getaways, or down-to-earth as a rearranged bedroom).
  
  

3. Prioritize the relationship 

This is the part that takes more energy, and it’s also the part that changes everything. Nagoski’s research shows that spontaneous desire is less common in long-term relationships, while responsive desire (which wakes up in response to touch, closeness, and emotional safety) is strongly linked to satisfaction.

Here’s ANOTHER speedy way to build everything up because we’re efficient out here:

• Build anticipation throughout the day: flirtatious messages, handwritten notes or drawings, quick voice notes, or a “later” text that hints at what’s coming

• Increase low-stakes connection: more hugs, cuddling on the couch, shared showers, or just lying skin-to-skin without any expectation for more. 

• Schedule intimate time: set a rough “us time” window, show up open-minded and curious, and see what happens. 
  

4. Here are even more action-based ideas:

Honestly, you can also use these as prompts for your “Play & Pleasure Menu”:

• Give a massage with a focus on sensation, rather than sex

• Plan a strip tease but keep it playful

• Sext it up with flirty texts, photos, or voice notes if you both enjoy that

• Start or join a sexy book club full of erotica, sex-ed, or kink-positive nonfiction. You can read together and discuss what sounds fun :)

We love love love Emily Nagoski’s research on this topic! Her research shows that couples who stay connected are friends who admire and trust each other, who decide sex matters, and who stay curious about what actually works for them rather than what everyone else is talking about. 

Want more tips and treasures? Check out our Blog and Instagram ❣️
Want to listen and read more from Emily Nagoski on this topic? Check out her TED talk.