We’re raised on the idea that falling in love is a single flash where you’re struck or you’re not.

Science offers a more generous frame: romantic love is a measurable biological state, while long-term connection is a consistent set of habits. Desire shifts with context like safety, stress, curiosity, and how we actually show up to each interaction - not with some moral verdict on whether we’re “broken” or “hard to love.” 

In a culture of ghosting, burnout, and dating apps, we know how much this all matters. If love is a system, you’re not waiting to be chosen by the algorithm. You’re learning how your own circuitry responds to care, to pressure, and to pleasure!

The Science Behind “the Crush”

Early attraction feels intense on purpose. Dopamine levels surge, pulling you toward reward, while norepinephrine or noradrenaline sharpens your focus and keeps you wired. Those serotonin patterns shift in ways that mimic obsessive thinking. This all translates to the reason why you feel it’s impossible to stop checking a cutie’s profile, rereading their messages, or even replaying the details from last night. 

Studies suggest this intense phase often spans months and can stretch into a couple of years, gradually softening as attachment systems take over. The come-down is where many people panic, assuming attraction has died or that they picked the wrong person. Your body is shifting from crisis-level infatuation to something that can actually coexist with the rest of your life.

The Science Behind Attachment 

Researchers have been examining how we reach for, cling to, or distance from others when things get vulnerable. This science has been tracking patterns (anxious, avoidant, secure) to map what feels dangerous vs. what feels like home. 

Across studies, there are a few recurring themes: 

• feeling emotionally responded to matters more than grand gestures

• the ability to repair after conflict is strongly tied to satisfaction and stability

• early attachment experiences influence, but do not dictate, how you relate later on 

It’s entirely possible to move toward more secure ways of relating inside queer, straight, non-monogamous, disabled, kinky, or otherwise non-normative constellations. There is no single “correct” way to attach, only patterns that leave your system flooded or soothed. The work is noticing which dynamics leave your body tense and which ones let you relax.

 

The Science Behind Desire

Desire is deeply contextual. Hormones, stress, sleep, cultural scripts, and personal history all feed into whether you’re feeling it. When stress is high or chronic, it tends to diminish or disappear. Desire grows when bodies feel safe, autonomy is respected, curiosity outranks performance, and pleasure is allowed to evolve over time. This holds true across partnered sex, solo sex, queer dynamics, long-distance set-ups, and everything in between.

Tips on Better Connection

Curiously date, and substitute questions like “Is this my person?” for the following:

• How does my nervous system feel around this person? 

• When there’s conflict, do I feel like we work through it in a way where everyone is heard and seen? 

Practice daily acts of love, like:

• Leaving short messages to your loved ones to remind them about how much they mean to you

• Following up on the things you said you would

• Being honest and naming your feelings when the situation calls for it

• Remembering preferential details about how your loved ones

Introduce more novelty into your life, such as:

• Exploring the whole spectrum of touch, rather than whatever you typically default to

• Learn a new skill alone or with someone you trust

• Actively seek out a new place to dine at, drink, or explore
  
  

We’re out here doing our best to share all of the tools we can find, are always up for questions, and hope that our kits can support you in celebrating and knowing yourself more clearly 🫶 Find more on our blog + Instagram!