Illustrated GIF by Emilia Schettino

The ways we communicate shape the form and function of the relationships we hold. Communication is more than just exchanging words; it’s about creating spaces for understanding, connection, and growth. Communication is also informed by our body language, gestures, and other nonverbal cues. Many of us enter relationships in adulthood with communication skills molded by the teachings, observations, and experiences of our youth. These early patterns often set the tone for how we approach interactions in our lives, and we might not even realize it. Whether good or bad, we tend to repeat these patterns without examining whether they truly serve us.

In relational communication—whether romantic, platonic, or familial—the ability to connect deeply through words, gestures, and actions is key to building and sustaining bonds. Relational communication emphasizes empathy, care, trust, respect, and even vulnerability, particularly when discussing more intimate subjects like sexual desires and fantasies. With practice, we can move beyond surface-level exchanges to create meaningful dialogue that fosters intimacy and understanding. In this article, I want to share some tips to help you foster healthier, more compassionate ways of communicating, including how to approach conversations with care and love!

One of the most significant aspects of relational communication is listening, not just to respond, but to understand. Active listening means being fully present in the moment, free from distractions, and truly focusing on what the other person is saying. When someone feels heard, it strengthens the relational bond and creates a sense of trust and safety. This is particularly important when discussing vulnerable topics like sexual fantasies, where partners may feel exposed or unsure. 

To practice active listening, it’s important to give whoever is speaking your undivided attention. Put your phone down, turn off distractions, and make eye contact. Avoid interrupting or formulating your response while the other person is talking. Instead, focus on what they are saying, and reflect on their words by paraphrasing or summarizing their message. For example, if a partner shares a fantasy with you, you might say, “What I’m hearing is that you’d like to explore more role-playing in our intimate life. Is that right?” This not only ensures clarity but also affirms that you are open and willing to engage with their desires. Asking open-ended questions like, “What excites you about this fantasy?” can encourage further conversation and demonstrates a genuine interest in understanding your partner's desires.

When we speak with intention and clarity we can begin to see each other's needs, and boundaries and ensure consent in our connections. When we approach these conversations without a clear intention, misunderstandings or discomfort can easily arise. It’s important to ensure you and your partners feel safe, respected and heard.

In discussing sexual fantasies, clarity means expressing desires without assuming that your partner can read between the lines. Be specific and gentle in your approach. For example, instead of saying something vague like, “I’m not happy with our sex life,” try framing it more constructively: “I’ve been thinking about trying something new together, and it’s exciting for me to think about exploring (insert activity) with you.” This kind of direct but respectful communication can help foster openness while maintaining a space of emotional care.

Using “I” statements is also key when sharing sensitive topics. Expressing how you feel or what you desire, rather than framing it as something your partner lacks, prevents defensiveness and allows for collaboration. Instead of saying, “You never initiate anything adventurous,” you could say, “I’ve been thinking about some fantasies I have, and I’d love to share them with you and hear if you have any too.” Speaking in this way creates a more balanced space where the other person may feel they can contribute.

I want to acknowledge that emotional awareness also plays a vital role in relational communication, particularly when discussing intimate or vulnerable topics. There is a spectrum when it comes to our abilities to tap into this emotional awareness dependent on our identities, experiences, and cultures. Understanding how you can best show up to meet your emotions and being able to show them in the best ways that you can, guides us towards connection. Too often, conversations go awry because we don’t take the time to recognize or name our feelings before we engage. When we’re disconnected from our emotions, it can lead to reactive or defensive communication, especially around sexual fantasies, which can carry a lot of emotional weight.

Before engaging in these discussions, it’s helpful to check in with yourself and your body. Are you feeling anxious, excited, insecure, etc.? Does your body feel relaxed, tight, etc.? Being aware of these feelings can help you approach the conversation with more understanding. If you feel nervous, acknowledge that by saying something like, “This is a little hard for me to talk about, but I want to share something I’ve been thinking about.” If you need to open up your body, think of deep breathing or stretching before a conversation. Being honest about your emotional state allows the conversation to proceed with empathy and understanding.

When discussing sexual fantasies, crafting a space of non-judgment gives us room to be open without fear of being shamed or dismissed. This requires a foundation of trust, where both people know that even if the fantasy isn’t something they are interested in, they won’t be ridiculed or judged for expressing it. If a fantasy doesn’t align with your boundaries, then we can name that. For example, you might say, “I’m glad you shared that with me, and while it’s not something I’m comfortable with, I appreciate your honesty. Let’s talk about what we both enjoy and see if there’s something new we can explore together.” This response honors your partner’s vulnerability while still upholding your own boundaries.

Overall, discussions about sexual fantasies can deepen intimacy and trust if approached with care, clarity, and a focus on connection. It’s important to remember that fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality, and sharing them can be an opportunity to grow closer, learn more about each other, and even enhance your relationship. However, just like any other aspect of relational communication, it requires emotional awareness, intentionality, and active listening.

By cultivating these skills, you can foster healthier, more compassionate ways of communicating, and create a relational dynamic that is rooted in care, love, and mutual respect—both in everyday conversations and in the more intimate moments that make relationships truly fulfilling.