Clone-A-Willy (As Seen on TV)
See just HOW durable our kits really are!
Blog — meet your maker
Celebrate Women's Month With Us!
We celebrated Women's Month with Ladies of Paradise last night for an evening of self-care through tarot, nail art, do-yourself cookie decoration, CBD massages, an awesome give-away, and an amazing amount pf love and laughter!
A Guide to Portlandâs Naughtiest Spots
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Experience: Strip Clubs
Yes, we boast the most strip clubs per capita. Yes, the dancers get fully nude. And yes, they serve local booze in classic Portland fashion. Many Portlanders have differing opinions (quite strong ones, at that) on the best dancers, the best music, the best steak, and the overall best joint. We donât think youâll be disappointed wherever you go, but we're going to highlight four:
- Sassyâs The dancers are great. The music is fun. The drinks are cheap. The patio is decent. Itâs centrally located. Itâs always a party. Itâs the best. Just go.Â
- Casa Diablo Itâs a vegan clubâseriously! Even the clothes the dancers take off canât be made from animals. It gets crazy. Really crazy. Iâve seen women from the audience get their shirts taken off and sexual activities go down on stage. Itâs a bit out of the way in terms of location, but itâs worth a visit. Take a cab.Â
- Devilâs Point This club has Stripparaoke! You sing karaoke and the fine ladies dance to you, on you, around you. See you on Sunday.
- Silverado Itâs one of the few all-nude male strip clubs in the entire country, enough said!Â
Snack: Voodoo Doughnut
Donât hate me. These doughnuteers are in every guide to Portland and I vowed to never include them in one, but what screams 'sexy' more than a doughnut in the shape of a penis? OK...lotâs of things, but come on! They have a penis-shaped doughnut! CREAM FILLED! Itâs called the âCockâNâBalls.â Go to the southeast location; itâs not as busy.
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Learn: Underground Portland Tour
Corruption, sex, crimes, gambling, and crimpingâPortland has a dark history. Take this tour through the Shanghai tunnels and other newly added locations to learn more about our sinful past.
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Participate: Rocky Horror Picture Show @ Clinton St. Theater
The Clinton Street Cabaret hosts an interactive showing of the cult classic. Throw rice, toss rolls of Scott toilet paper, and light up the theater with flashlights. No nudity allowed, but thereâs plenty of profanity and risky business to boot!
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Explore: Club Sesso
The infamous Ron Jeremy opened this upscale swingers nightclub to our city in 2009. The club requires a membership, but allow entrance to the public for a hefty cover with strict rules. The people who attend are actually interested in a sexually diverse experience so donât go to be creepy. And in case you forget, there are signs reminding you not to be creepy.
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Shop: Adults Only
There are a plethora of sex toy stores spattered around the Portland-Metro area, but few have the curation and reputation of these two:
- She Bop Welcoming all genders and sexual orientations, this sex toy boutique promotes body safe toys and has a steady stream of educational workshops. Itâs a very comfortable place for curious beginners and avid explorers alike. Plus, they sell Clone-A-Willy, so whatâs not to love?!
- Spartacus From outfits and toys to leather and porn, the curated collection of goodies can make your fantasy a reality. They have something for everyone, but definitely stays in our mind as the go-to store for those into S&M, fetishes and leather.
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Special Events:
If youâre lucky enough to be in the City of Roses during these times, check out the following events:
(March)
- Kink Fest An educational kink, BDSM and fetish conference.
(June)
- Naked Bike Ride Highlights our dependence on oil and the vulnerability of cyclists.
- Pride Northwest Celebrates and emboldens the positive diversity of our city and its people.
(November)
- Hump! Film Festival Showcases amateur-produced porn.
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What else should we be experiencing? Leave a comment!
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Inside the Empire: Meet Jerome!
Ladies and Gentlemen, today we will be heading back down to the factory place where the magic happens to meet our very own J.D. Salinger! He's a bit private, but he's been kind enough to do the thing he hates the most: SURVEYS!
What is your name?
Jerome Salinger
What city were you born in?
New York
How long have you lived in Portland?
20 years
How long have you worked at Empire Labs (Clone-A-Willy)?
11 years
Have you ever cloned your willy and/or other body parts?
Yes
Who would play you in a movie?
Brad Pitt
If you had to sing karaoke, what would your go-to song be?
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When you're not working at Empire, what are you doing?
Waiting for work to start
What is your biggest pet peeve?
Surveys
What is your biggest fear?
Burning
Cats or dogs?
Neither
Burrito or burger?
Burrito
Ocean or mountains?
Hawaii, so I can have both
Pepsi or coke?
Water
Britney or Christina?
I think my grandchildren listen to these people.
Can you play an instrument?
Not well enough to claim.
Do you speak any other language?
Hausa
If you could be the opposite sex for one day, what would you do?
I'd get to know myself.
If you could mold any part of your body, what would it be?
My new boobs.
What would you want your last words to be before you leave this earth?
Rose bud
Is there anything else we should know about you?
I was born feet first.
Inside the Empire: Hump Day Playlist!
You've cloned your willy or you've received your clone....what next? Take it for a test-drive! We've put a mix together for you to G E T Â I T Â O N !
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What songs put you in the mood? Drop a comment with what songs make you wanna get it on!
