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    Blog — get to know us

    Inside the Empire: Meet Our Graphic Designer!

    What is your name?
    My grandmother likes to Google too much for you to know.
    What city were you born in?
    Santa Monica, California
    How long have you lived in Portland?
    1 year
    How long have you worked at Empire Labs (Clone-A-Willy)?
    Not sure...
    Have you ever cloned your willy and/or other body parts?
    Who would play you in a movie?
    Anyone in Caddy Shack
    If you had to sing karaoke, what would your go-to song be?
    When you're not working at Empire, what are you doing?
    Drinking cocktails at the top of the Big Pink. Or at Oaks Park.
    What is your biggest pet peeve?
    Bad smells
    Cats or dogs?
    Burrito or burger?
    Tator tots
    Ocean or mountains?
    Pepsi or coke?
    Britney or Christina?
    Can you play an instrument?
    Pan flute 
    Do you speak any other language?
    The Language of Love. 
    If you could be the opposite sex for one day, what would you do?
    NO! Whatever I don't know about them I want to keep a mystery. 
    If you could mold any part of your body, what would it be?
    I would mold my neck and the back of my head so I'd have a mold I could rest my head on. 
    What would you want your last words to be before you leave this earth?
    I see the light! 
    Is there anything else we should know about you?
    Glow in the Dark is my favorite Clone-A-Willy!

    Seven Questions with Todd, Customer Service Superstar & Mighty De-escalator

    1) What is your job with Empire Labs, and how long have you worked here?

    I've worked for the company since 2004 and I've been in charge of customer care and quality control since 2007.

    2) What is the most unusual customer care experience you've had?

    I once had a man who decided that it was too hard to insert himself into the tube without spilling the molding gel. With an upturned penis (as many are) you might have to bend at the hips and angle the tube slightly until it's pressed against the body. Instead, he built a rig out of plywood that allowed him to turn himself upside down and insert his penis into a stationary tube. Somehow he thought it would be easier to mix the gel, pour it into the tube, strap himself to a sheet of plywood suspended from the ceiling and lower himself with enough accuracy to get his penis into a two and a half inch tube - all while maintaining an erection. Yeah, I talked to that guy a few times.

    3) What is the most rewarding part of working with customers to ensure the best possible allover experience and end-product?

    I genuinely enjoy talking to people and I think people usually walk away from the experience surprised at how helpful and thorough we are. Here's an actual quote from an email a customer sent me after we spoke on the phone:
    "Hey Todd, this is so and so from Kentucky, I talked to you tonight. I just wanted to thank you for your incredible customer service. I have been in marketing and PR all my professional life. It is rare to find a company as accommodating as you were tonight. I really appreciate what you did. By the way, your product is incredible. It is amazing to see what I really look like!"
    That pretty much sums it up. I like knowing that people who email or call our little dildo factory will likely walk away happier than after almost any other customer service experience they will have.

    4) What is the most challenging?

    See the answer to question number 2. We occasionally get customers who think they have a better way of making the mold, changing the color of the finished dildo, not including the vibrator etc... We spent years developing the kit and the instructions need to be followed as closely as possible to ensure a successful outcome. I always encourage customers who want to make changes to contact me directly. Modifications are possible within reason and I'll gladly help point them in the right direction.

    5) Are there any dumb questions people ask?

    Absolutely not. The Clone-A-Willy kit is a unique product that follows a unique set of instructions. Not many people have experience with body-casting and those who do probably have never copied an erect penis! I completely understand if people are confused and I'm happy to answer all questions, no matter how silly they might seem to the person asking.

    6) If accurate chemistry and efficient use of time were no object, what kit would you create and why?

    I think a full sized replica of myself would be pretty fun to have around.  I once made a copy of my head to use as a Halloween prop. I went as a masked executioner and needed a severed head. I could throw my double down the stairs, run over it with a car, sit it in my office chair so it looks like I'm at work, etc... It would be hugely expensive to make, but our material is realistic enough that it would be a very convincing doppelganger. My wife actually requested that I remove the severed head replica from the house. It is pretty scary. Now it hangs in my office.

    7) What super power do you have, and what super power would you take if they were handing them out?

    It would make for a VERY boring comic book, but I think I have the power of deescalation. A jealous ex-boyfriend once wanted to beat me up and I instead convinced him that we should discuss our differences over a beer. We went to a local bar, drank a few pints, played a game of pool and at the end of the night he picked up the tab. Even I was impressed by my Jedi mind skills on that one. I also have a strange ability to guess the correct time within a few minutes, but that's a pretty boring power. If I could have any superpower, it would be the power to travel into the future. Not by much, just a day or two. It would give me enough time to pick the biggest upsets in sports and bet on them. I would be fantastically wealthy and you would all bow to the greatness of the De-escalator! I would also know how movies ended before anyone else so I could read Roger Ebert's review of a movie, copy it and publish it right before he does. Man, people would respect me. I could also stop crime - assuming I could convince the authorities that I wasn't just a crazy person. That's actually a pretty boring superpower to wish for. 


    #cloneawilly #cloneapussy #diydildo #yourpartisart